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Driving in India A Hilarious Account
I visited Mumbai recently and agree
with the observations about driving. For the benefit of every Tom,
Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads,
I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every
place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only
marginally safer.
Indian road rules broadly operate
within the domain of karma where you do your best and leave the
results to your insurance company.
The Hints are as Follows:
Do we drive on the left or right of
the road? The answer is "both". Basically you start on the left
of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right,
unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next
available gap, as in chess.
- Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction,
and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and
occasional fatality.
- Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles
in the intended direction. Don't you get discouraged or underestimate
yourself. Except for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers
are not in any better position.
- Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because
some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy
being bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed
to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or has come to a dead
stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot may try
to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.
- Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in
some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration,
romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts) or just to mobilize a
dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar.
- Keep informative books in the glove compartment.
You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief
minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rain waters to recede
when over-ground traffic meets underground drainage.
- Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating
experience (for those with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan).
In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do
not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature
dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed
record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining
the road until the phenomenon passes.
Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not
blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing
in the truck is the driver and the peg of illicit arrack he has
had at the last stop; his total cerebral functions add up to little
more than a naught. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India
and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful
beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super
motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on,
usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get
too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously.
Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads.
During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers
will never show any signal. (And you must watch for the absent
signals; they are a greater threat.) Only, you will often observe
that the cleaner that sits next to the driver will project his
hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely not to be construed
as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just an expression
of physical relief on a hot day.
Occasionally you might see what looks like an UFO with blinking
colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is
an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These
pilgrim buses go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the
Almighty, often meeting with success.
Unique to Indian Traffic:
Auto Rickshaw
(Baby Taxi)
The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile,
this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine
that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular
vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times
its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare.
After careful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed
into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are
not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are
pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions
with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course,
the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn
Newton's laws of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers
follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur and are licensed
to irritate.
Mopeds
The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an
electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels
at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for
a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road;
they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around
them and are often "mopped" off the tarmac.
Leaning Tower
of Passes
Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours,
there is absolute mayhem (hell). There are passengers hanging off
other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded
bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws
of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees
per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of
these buses by a width of three passengers.
One-way Street
These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise
drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one
direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed
in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in reverse throughout,
if you are the fussy type.
Lest I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also.
Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by
providing a "speed breaker"; two for each house. This mound, incidentally,
covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left
un-tarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities,
should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.
If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your
lessons between 8 pm and 11 am - when the police have gone home.
The citizen is then free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' enshrined
in our constitution.
Having said all this, isn't it true that the accident rate and related
deaths are less in India compared to US or other countries ?
By: Coen Jukens
Date: December 28, 2000
Source: http://www.boloji.com/humor/025.htm
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